Reflections and Expansions

When I sat down to write this piece, I kept hearing two words; reflection and expansion.

Reflection

Two years back in August 2013, I was confused, unclear and unsure of where my life was headed. I questioned myself several times if it was worth living at all. Death did not scare; what sacred me most was living a life without meaning, without purpose, without soul.

Expansion

In the present time, it has so far been all about expansion. Expansion on all levels; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually; to accept and love all that I am.

Let me explain this through an interesting experience I had recently. An old acquaintance returned to Melbourne after about 7 to 8 years. We immediately caught up to catch up on the time we had spent apart in different countries.

She was amazed with my transformation and was genuinely pleased to see, hear and feel the joy in me!

During our conversation we reflected back on the old days and what our life used to be. Both of us had little to cherish and we had a short discussion of the regrets and the mistakes we made.

She continued to point out to me how different I was in the past, even in my appearance. How the emptiness was obvious and perceivable back then. I of course agreed whole heartedly to every word she spoke and added to it saying that I was lost and did not know what I was doing etc etc, painting a real picture of a clueless woman who barely made it through life.

We love bashing ourselves, don’t we? Sadly, it is one of our favorite hobbies!

When the words left my mouth and reached my ears; it stung, it hurt. My words were reeking with so much judgment. I was not only doing this to myself, I had given full permission to her also to partake in this exchange.

Thankfully, as the night continued, we moved to other topics and the evening ended beautifully with conversations about our aspirations, travels and romances.

On my way back home, the words that I had so carelessly used kept playing over and over again in my head.

Many days passed and I saw this lady again and the topic of who I was in the past came up again in a round about way. She mentioned to me how she had met another common acquaintance who had asked her if it was true, that I had changed and if my transformation was real!

As I listened to her, something very powerful happened to me; In that instant my heart opened up, my chest literally expanded, as if a floodgate was pushed open with a torrent of love, my eyes softened;

In a distance, I saw reflections...few pictures of a young woman…

These are few pictures of me from 2008, 2011 and 2012;

I saw this beautiful, brave soul; She knew that there was a lot around her that needed to change. She did not know how or what to do. She was scared as hell in a country she barely knew. Everything she thought she was, was falling apart around her into pieces.

Most nights she cried because she could not explain what she was going through. She did not know who to turn to and often felt she was the only one. When the pain was unbearable she bought things, she partied, she drank, she needed to be with people, never to be alone.

What a pitiful woman! What a tragedy! A really sad , sad, sad case…

I thank this woman, this acquaintance who came into my life. Through her a veil was lifted, an illusion disappeared. Through her I dropped to my truth.

This woman I pitied, judged and thought was weak, was the most courageous of all that I have ever been!

She was the bravest, kindest and most compassionate that I ever was. She saw me through the most difficult part of my life.

Her actions, I called them mistakes and yet here I am today feeling most content peaceful and loving than I have ever been.

How could this be possible if it wasn’t for her? How could I be here, if it were not for her “mistakes”?

So are they really mistakes? Is she really a train wreck or just an angel in disguise?

The answer is plain as day….

So my dearest readers, I have one question for you;

What do you say about yourself when you speak about you from the past?

Do you speak about her, about him, with love and compassion or are your words laced with the venom of judgment?

Are you ready to see that you couldn’t have been here without who you were in those days and without the “mistakes” you made in the past?

This beautiful woman and her friend who externalized my internal experience through this little skit are messengers in disguise who taught me an important lesson, which I summarize into two simple lines;

Who I am today is a result of who I was yesterday

Who I will be tomorrow is a result of how I much I love ALL of ME today

This is for you…….

Who you are today is a result of who you were yesterday

Who you will be tomorrow is a result of how much you love ALL of YOU today

Love, Love, Love,

Deepthi